So here I am in active addiction for years because I have an addictive personality by nature I suppose, I am not being managed by a hands on doctor, and it was really easy to obtain the meds.
When did I realize that something had to give? I never hit what is commonly called a rock bottom. Nothhing quite as dramatic as that. I was never arrested (Thank God), never had to steal for my meds (aka DOC-Drug of choice), my husband didn't leave, no car wrecks. It was the constant hemmoraging of money, the balance on 4 credit cards, the disdain of my husband. Even more importantly the meds that used to give me so much energy and motivation were now causing me to want to do nothing but sit around and watch television all day long. I felt drained most of the time, just completely warn out. My periods stoppped. I thought I was in menopause until they started up again this past month. Perhaps it was all the tylenol I had been ingesting on a regular basis for years. Gads and gads of apap (or acrap as I commonly refer to it) must have affected my poor liver in some way. Yes, I had blood panels done. In fact I had one done in the spring which only showed slightly elevated liver enzymes. I feel lucky to have gotten off that easily to be honest. Many people end up needed a liver transplant after abusing norco for years. In all fairness though, there is a common myth floating around that a person will absolutely sustain liver damage from taking copius amounts of apap for years. That's not always the case. I a living proof of that. The fact of the matter is, when you slowly build up the amount of acrap in your body over time, your liver learns to process it quite efficiently. It's those who take a handful of tylenol one night who end up in the ER hooked up to an IV of a nifty amino acid called NAC. This superman of liver detox is also available at GNC and other supplement stores. It's chemical name is N-Acetyl-L-Cysteine. It helps to replace the Glutathione lost from the tylenol bombardment. Without Glutathione in the liver, your body can't metabolize toxins and liver cells die. That's the explanation in its simplest form anyway. Bottom line is we need Glutathione and the acrap can deplete it. NAC replaces it. I mention this on my blog because I suspect the main readership will be pill poppers like myself. It's extremely important for anyone taking large amounts of apap to know that there is a very real risk to their health. Grab a bottle of NAC and take it regularly at the very least. Think about kicking the norco habit at most.
Anyway, I digress. Why did I begin my journey to recovery? The reasons are so many it would take a page just to list them. My life revolved around getting pills, counting pills, scheduling refills and it all became way too much to deal with. When I would run out of my DOC, life became really terrible. Anyone who has ever stopped taking opiates after long term use, for any reason, legitimate or not, can relate I am sure. Because of my heavy and long term use, within 4 hours of my last pill I'd go into withdrawals (known as WDs from now on). WDs are awful. Think the flu times 100. I'd start sneezing, I'd feel crushing anxiety, I could not sleep at night due to restless limbs, my eyes would tear and my body would begin to ache. By the second day, the fun really began. I couldn't get out of bed. I had no interest in solid food. I'd alternate between sweats and chills. To this day I still have a hard time regulating my body temperature and I attribute this to long term opiate use. Who knows if I am correct but things didn't start to go haywire with by body until I started on these "meds". Day 3 would always be the worst day. I would start to believe that the suffering would never end. The lack of sleep would really begin to catch up with me. My head would hurt. I'd be covered in sweat and freezing at the same time. My belly was in knots and vomiting would have been a relief but would never materialize. The anxiety was overwhelming. What did I take to help get me through the worst times? There are a lot of comfort techniques that most pill poppers have in their emergency WD kits. Yes, we have those. Sad, isn't it? Kratom is an herb, is legal right now in the US. It blocks the opiate receptors in the brain. While not 100% it does stave off a goodly amount of WDs. My prescribed Xanax was always useful in knocking me out so I could get some sleep. While it didn't provide a solid block of time for sleep, it did help to get me at least 3 hours at a time. (We will come back to the Xanax later as it's vital to this story.) Immodium is a lifesaver. Many take it to prevent and treat diarreah that can come along with the WDs. This was never a problem for me for some strange reason. I say strange, because that's a common symptom of stopping opiates. Immodium's effect on the body is that it helps to block the opiate receptors we have throughout our bodies. Immodium is a kind of opiate in fact but it's molecule is too large to cross the blood/brain barrier. This is why it is OTC. Nobody ever got high off Immodium. In order for it to be effective for WD syndrome though, it must be taken in very large amounts. I have easily taken 10-15 at a time. This will effectively block many symptoms or at least take them down a few notches. It worked wonders for me for the restless limbs.
Those were what I had in my "kit". Others have used Tramadol (similar to opiates but not a true opiate), Catapress (blood pressure med but used in hospitalized detox), poppy tea (something I do not recommend because many people have that monkey on their backs), various benzos, heating pads, and lots of water to hydrate.
Since I've been through forced WDs often due to running out of meds when I had a bad month, I knew or thought I knew, exactly what to expect when I decided it was time to stop the pill madness and get on with the rest of my life. I came to this life changing and positive decision after getting ripped off trying to obtain pills. I'm not a stupid person. I rarely trust people off the bat. In this case I did have interaction with the con artist. I did think he was only trying to help people in pain (and addiction I suppose). At this time I am loathe to go into the details of the scam as it's something I want to put behind me. It's embarrassing to admit you've been conned in the first place but when it involved medications, it is infinitely worse. It was however a huge wake up call, What the hell was I doing? I was now losing money and a fair amount of it, trying to obtain my DOC.
So no. I didn't have to reach a rock bottom to jolt me into reality. The scam may have been the catalyst but there were a thousand little reasons that screamed it's time for sobriety. It's time to give my kid a mom who was more active. It's time to give my husband his best friend back. It's time to get my ass off the couch and clean my home, which was at pig sty levels. I wouldn't ever invite people over lest I die of embarrassment. It was time to get concerned about my overall health and time to do something about it.
My next entry will go into my decision to become clean and sober, my plan on how to accomplish it, and my days of eternal detox hell which I call and have declared a common law copyright for my book, Quiet Chaos.
Time for bed. Next installment should be tomorrow. God bless.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Thursday, December 13, 2007
The Beginning
Welcome to my blog. Well here's my first post. I'll give you some background.
I've been a chronic pain sufferer for years. It didn't get really bad though until 2002. Before that I was plagued with migraine headaches. My local doc, a kindly fellow, had no problem prescribing me what I needed for pain and vomiting. I can't take triptans as I have a family history that makes that impossible. He was more than willing to give me norco which is hydrocodone, an addictive drug for some. The thing is for years I had no problem with the medication. And it was a medication. I only took it when I had migraines. It worked. It worked really well. My migraines were fierce and boy did I suffer with them. I was responsible. I could make a bottle of 50 last a year. Then the migraines started getting bad. My use increased and still he wrote those scripts for me. Still, I was very responsible.
Fast forward to 2002 when it seemed like my body was breaking down. I had severe pain in my knees. It was the kind of pain that would make my knees give out while walking up or down stairs. Tests showed that I had some serious arthritis going on. I saw a orthopod who confirmed I had bone on bone arthritis, broken bone behind my knee caps as well. He said I needed surgery. I protested and still do. I am afraid of surgery. But could it wait? Yes. What about the pain? Take advil. What???? Sorry we don't want you to become addicted to opiates. Besides...the DEA is cracking down on what we prescribe our patients for pain. i can't lose my license. So where does that leave me? Have the surgery or suffer. So the DEA is dictating to me what I can and can't take for pain?
Depression set in. But wait. I can take the hydro I have for my migraines if i am really careful and my doctor doesn't know it. So on the really bad days I took the norco for my knees. That worked okay. My doctor still wrote for increasing amounts of the meds, but I wasn't taking all that much anyway.
Over the years my poor body started to ache even worse and I knew there was no way I could continue to live in agony every day with minimal meds to combat the pain. Surprisingly, I was listening to Bill O'Reilly one evening back in the early 2000s. He mentioned that people could actually purchase highly addictive substances online. What?? I have never heard of this! Jackpot! I could get relief online? It took me all of 10 minutes to find drugbuyers.com. What a plethora of information and links. All I needed was my med records, a credit card and a phone. I could get more hydro. I picked a service, filled out the forms, and made the appointment for the phone consultation with a doctor. I was scared to death. Would this doctor just give me norco? Well yes, he did. I had a bottle of 90 tabs the next day via FedEx. I also had a refill on the bottle and was told to call in 25 days to get it shipped. This was a miracle to me. For the first time in years I felt armed to deal with my pain.
Now let me break in here for a moment to explain something. If you listen to the DEA and the media, you will believe that all you have to do, til this day even, is to fill out a form, enter a credit card number, and a bottle of oxycontin will be shipped to your door. This is a LIE. You can't order oxycontin on any website. You have to have valid medical records. You have to speak to a real doctor. The DEA would have you believe any child can get their folks' credit card and get adddictive meds. It's a fabrication and simply propaganda.
Back to my story. I stayed with my first online consult service for over a year. It was a now defunct service named yourfriendlydoc.com The PA was super compassionate. I had very real valid medical records. I took my meds responsibly. This was legal. I checked. In fact, it still is technically legal. The DEA however would have you believe it isn't. The fact is right now there are no federal laws regarding telemedicine. I still believe in telemedicine, even though the DEA is on a rampage to shut the services down. The fact of the matter is while there are milions of Americans addicted to drugs there is a very small amount of chronic pain patients who ever get addicted to their meds. Unfortunately I was one of them, but that doesn't mean that telemedicine is bad. It just needs to be stricty regulated. More on this issue at a later date.
So when did the meds become a problem? When I realized other services out there would script 120 tabs with three refills? Possibly. When I realized there was little chance of getting nailed for using more than one service? Something kicked in. I don't know what turned the key to be honest. Maybe it was the extreme pain in my cervical spine and the fact that the norco wasn't really touching my pain.
I tried to do it the right way when my neck started to really bother me. I went back to my local doc. I told him how badly I hurt. I was begging for him to put me on something that worked, something he could monitor closely. I would have loved to stop using the online services. It was too expensive. I was not comfortable getting meds via FedEx. He was little help. He ran the tests. I got numerous possible diagnosis. I was given more norco. I told him it wasn't working anymore. I got a shrug. So I ended up seeing a chronic pain doctor who saw the MRIs and xrays and told me point blank I should probably be on oxycontin, heavily monitored of course. I just had to do one thing for him. He wanted me to see a sleep specialist and then come back with my spouse for a discussion on the meds and regualations of his office. I was fine with this....until I went back to see my doc. He was livid and called me an addict because this doc had called him to discuss my appointment. I was so upset that I never went back to the pain doc. I cried in his office and told him I wasn't an addict. I hurt, dammit. Just help me. So what did he do? he wrote me out another script for norco and told me not to take it every day.
So what do you do when you have serious pain, your doctor says he doesn't understand why I have all this pain as the tests do not look all that bad. (broken bones, stenosis and bone on bone arthritis are not supposed to be that painful?). I was left with basically nothing in my opinion. I went back to using the services and this time I got a script for Xanax to help me sleep through my pain.
So it starts. Being discounted as nothing more than a junkie made it so I didn't really care anymore. I took the meds like candy. I was hooked not only on norco but on xanax as well.
Well that will do it for my first post. I'll continue my journey with you with my next post. All comments are welcome. Well not all comments...I don't like spam. I don't care for sarcasm. I detest judgemental people. So be careful where you tread.
Check out my polls. Please vote as this is a serious issue, that of addiction and recovery. And yes. Right now I know I am an addict, will always be an addict and have gotten help. There's so much more to tell you but I'll leave that for another night.
Good night.
Subgirl
I've been a chronic pain sufferer for years. It didn't get really bad though until 2002. Before that I was plagued with migraine headaches. My local doc, a kindly fellow, had no problem prescribing me what I needed for pain and vomiting. I can't take triptans as I have a family history that makes that impossible. He was more than willing to give me norco which is hydrocodone, an addictive drug for some. The thing is for years I had no problem with the medication. And it was a medication. I only took it when I had migraines. It worked. It worked really well. My migraines were fierce and boy did I suffer with them. I was responsible. I could make a bottle of 50 last a year. Then the migraines started getting bad. My use increased and still he wrote those scripts for me. Still, I was very responsible.
Fast forward to 2002 when it seemed like my body was breaking down. I had severe pain in my knees. It was the kind of pain that would make my knees give out while walking up or down stairs. Tests showed that I had some serious arthritis going on. I saw a orthopod who confirmed I had bone on bone arthritis, broken bone behind my knee caps as well. He said I needed surgery. I protested and still do. I am afraid of surgery. But could it wait? Yes. What about the pain? Take advil. What???? Sorry we don't want you to become addicted to opiates. Besides...the DEA is cracking down on what we prescribe our patients for pain. i can't lose my license. So where does that leave me? Have the surgery or suffer. So the DEA is dictating to me what I can and can't take for pain?
Depression set in. But wait. I can take the hydro I have for my migraines if i am really careful and my doctor doesn't know it. So on the really bad days I took the norco for my knees. That worked okay. My doctor still wrote for increasing amounts of the meds, but I wasn't taking all that much anyway.
Over the years my poor body started to ache even worse and I knew there was no way I could continue to live in agony every day with minimal meds to combat the pain. Surprisingly, I was listening to Bill O'Reilly one evening back in the early 2000s. He mentioned that people could actually purchase highly addictive substances online. What?? I have never heard of this! Jackpot! I could get relief online? It took me all of 10 minutes to find drugbuyers.com. What a plethora of information and links. All I needed was my med records, a credit card and a phone. I could get more hydro. I picked a service, filled out the forms, and made the appointment for the phone consultation with a doctor. I was scared to death. Would this doctor just give me norco? Well yes, he did. I had a bottle of 90 tabs the next day via FedEx. I also had a refill on the bottle and was told to call in 25 days to get it shipped. This was a miracle to me. For the first time in years I felt armed to deal with my pain.
Now let me break in here for a moment to explain something. If you listen to the DEA and the media, you will believe that all you have to do, til this day even, is to fill out a form, enter a credit card number, and a bottle of oxycontin will be shipped to your door. This is a LIE. You can't order oxycontin on any website. You have to have valid medical records. You have to speak to a real doctor. The DEA would have you believe any child can get their folks' credit card and get adddictive meds. It's a fabrication and simply propaganda.
Back to my story. I stayed with my first online consult service for over a year. It was a now defunct service named yourfriendlydoc.com The PA was super compassionate. I had very real valid medical records. I took my meds responsibly. This was legal. I checked. In fact, it still is technically legal. The DEA however would have you believe it isn't. The fact is right now there are no federal laws regarding telemedicine. I still believe in telemedicine, even though the DEA is on a rampage to shut the services down. The fact of the matter is while there are milions of Americans addicted to drugs there is a very small amount of chronic pain patients who ever get addicted to their meds. Unfortunately I was one of them, but that doesn't mean that telemedicine is bad. It just needs to be stricty regulated. More on this issue at a later date.
So when did the meds become a problem? When I realized other services out there would script 120 tabs with three refills? Possibly. When I realized there was little chance of getting nailed for using more than one service? Something kicked in. I don't know what turned the key to be honest. Maybe it was the extreme pain in my cervical spine and the fact that the norco wasn't really touching my pain.
I tried to do it the right way when my neck started to really bother me. I went back to my local doc. I told him how badly I hurt. I was begging for him to put me on something that worked, something he could monitor closely. I would have loved to stop using the online services. It was too expensive. I was not comfortable getting meds via FedEx. He was little help. He ran the tests. I got numerous possible diagnosis. I was given more norco. I told him it wasn't working anymore. I got a shrug. So I ended up seeing a chronic pain doctor who saw the MRIs and xrays and told me point blank I should probably be on oxycontin, heavily monitored of course. I just had to do one thing for him. He wanted me to see a sleep specialist and then come back with my spouse for a discussion on the meds and regualations of his office. I was fine with this....until I went back to see my doc. He was livid and called me an addict because this doc had called him to discuss my appointment. I was so upset that I never went back to the pain doc. I cried in his office and told him I wasn't an addict. I hurt, dammit. Just help me. So what did he do? he wrote me out another script for norco and told me not to take it every day.
So what do you do when you have serious pain, your doctor says he doesn't understand why I have all this pain as the tests do not look all that bad. (broken bones, stenosis and bone on bone arthritis are not supposed to be that painful?). I was left with basically nothing in my opinion. I went back to using the services and this time I got a script for Xanax to help me sleep through my pain.
So it starts. Being discounted as nothing more than a junkie made it so I didn't really care anymore. I took the meds like candy. I was hooked not only on norco but on xanax as well.
Well that will do it for my first post. I'll continue my journey with you with my next post. All comments are welcome. Well not all comments...I don't like spam. I don't care for sarcasm. I detest judgemental people. So be careful where you tread.
Check out my polls. Please vote as this is a serious issue, that of addiction and recovery. And yes. Right now I know I am an addict, will always be an addict and have gotten help. There's so much more to tell you but I'll leave that for another night.
Good night.
Subgirl
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